Advice for young women (International Women’s Day 2021)
It was International Women’s Day (IWD) on the 8th March and throughout that day and week that followed I reflected on all the things I have done in the past to celebrate this special day with the young people I have worked with. I’ve encouraged young women to take part in research projects on powerful women in history (or herstory), promoted female artists and film makers, invited successful women to speak to, educate and inspire young women and I’ve developed specific work for boys and young men highlighting the importance of gender equality and how it benefits everyone (including men). 2021 is the first year I have been unable to physically attend an IWD event, for two reasons. Firstly, I now work mainly with youth work professionals so am not in a position to deliver direct work with young people. Secondly, well…. you know…. the current pandemic situation! This got me thinking what can I do this year and how can I help young people and the practitioners who support them celebrate this important day?
I decided I would start by reaching out to some of the kind, genuine and fabulous women I’ve come to know and respect. I asked them what advice they would share with young women aged 13- 19. Over twenty of them, from all walks of life, responded and they were just wonderful to read. The advice they provided fell into four distinct categories.
1. Friendships & Relationships
2. Wellbeing & Personal growth
3. Work & Money
4. Tips for life
Here is a summary of their wisdom - some great advice that you may wish to share with the young women you support or are close to.
Friendships & Relationships
Find friends that value and respect you for who you really are and don’t get caught up with trying to ‘fit in’ with people who don’t make you feel good about yourself. Be proud of who you are. Know that you are a special, unique and awesome person. Be fierce in knowing your worth and be unapologetic about who you are and what you believe in. Being true to yourself will help you secure meaningful friendships.
In your lifetime you will meet so many people, some will just become acquaintances, some will become mates you see now and again and some will become true friends. True friends are the ones who drop stuff for you when you really need them. They are the ones that are there for you no matter what. Look after your true friendships, hold these people close to you because they are the ones who will lift you up!
Something to consider when you are older is that maintaining friendships can sometimes be a bit of a challenge. Life can present us with demanding careers, relationships, marriage, children, moving to another town, city or even country, all of which often leads to having less time with your friends. When you spend time with your friends cherish it and don’t let things get in the way of maintaining your special friendships.
It is inevitable that you will fall out with friends or partners, this is part of life. Learn to forgive people, it will prevent you from holding onto negatively. This is toxic for all and will help no-one.
There is no ‘one size fits all’ manual for how to be a good friend. One way to ensure you are the best possible version of yourself is to identify good female role models. Examples of these could be your mum, your grandma, an auntie, your neighbour, an old lady down the road, a youth worker, a teacher, whoever they are they need to be women you respect and have qualities and strengths you admire. Listen to her advice on life, ask her things and learn from the experiences she shares with you. When you face dilemmas in life ask yourself what would my role model do in this situation. Make mental notes of the wisdom she shared as you will undoubtedly be another woman’s role model in the future!
When it comes to relationships (in a romantic sense), you should of course utilise all the advice above as, lets face it, your partner should also be a friend, someone who lifts you up, values and respects you for being you. The key to successful relationships is honesty and respect, both for your partner and yourself. Respecting yourself is vital if you want others to also show you respect.
A positive and healthy relationship means you treat each other as equals, you walk side by side. Sometimes cultural beliefs can prevent equality in relationships, if this ever affects you, establish how you feel about that both for yourself and your future daughter and their daughters.
Whatever your sexual or gender identity, you should love yourself for who you truly are. Don’t hide this part of your identity. If you are worried or confused, talk about your feelings. There is always a solution and there is always someone to help you. In fact you are part of a large community that is there for you.
Lastly, if you are in a relationship or friendship and you don’t feel valued, respected or loved, move on the moment you realise this. You can’t change people so don’t even waste your time trying.
Wellbeing & Personal growth
Life throws stuff at us, sometimes everything seems easy and sometimes stuff goes wrong. It is important to build resilience because it will help you bounce back if you fail at something. Being resilient means you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and carry on your journey.
It’s ok to reflect upon your failures, reflection is a good way of learning what not to do next time. However, you must also make sure you reflect equally on your achievements. This balance is crucial to maintaining good mental wellbeing. Remember reflection is good, over-thinking stuff is bad and blaming yourself for mistakes doesn’t change the fact they happened and it won’t help you in the long run.
Trust your instincts, they’re usually right. If something doesn’t feel right, speak up. If you find yourself in a situation where you’re being pressured to do something that you are not comfortable with its important for you to say no.
Asking for, or seeking, help is ok, in fact it’s a great idea! When difficult times come along remember you are never alone and there are people that want to help you, so reach out!
Be authentic, know your worth and don’t let the attitudes or opinions of others drag you down. One way of doing this is to think critically about judgments and limitations placed on you by others. Do this honestly and ask yourself are these imposed limitations holding you back? If they are, disregard them however hard that may be.
Always seek to develop and grow as a person, challenge yourself and learn as much as you can from the people around you. As you develop you may find that you outgrow people, places or roles, this is OK.
It’s true that getting older is a privilege, as you get older you need to accept and embrace the changes that occur in your body and mind.
There is this thing called ‘the patriarchy’ and its soul purpose is to keep women down. This must be challenged. Next time you feel that you’re not good enough, ask yourself where does that thought or feeling come from? Could it be that you’re thinking that because of the societal expectations placed on you as a young woman? If so, shrug this off. The thought doesn’t deserve your headspace.
Work & Money
There is no career, venture or dream off limits for women any more. Aspirations are critical to our success. There will undoubtedly be hurdles but there are always options and ways to overcome them.
No-one can be confident all of the time, if you were you wouldn’t be challenging yourself or developing. Sometimes you have to pretend to be confident and often this helps build real confidence. You may have heard the phrase ‘fake it until you make it’? Well it works!
Don’t be your own worst critic. Apply for the jobs you want and know you are more than capable of doing. Statistically men apply for jobs based on their aspirations whether they are qualified or not. Women, tend only to apply for jobs they feel they are 100% qualified to do. You need to apply for the jobs you want and show relevant experience and the ability to learn on the job.
In the workplace, work hard and be nice to everyone. Having a sense of fun and making people relaxed around you will get you far. Make sure you support your female colleagues. Remember, other women are not your competition. We need to be crown straighteners, lift other women up at your every turn and take them with you. Instead of snatching the last seat in the boardroom we need to create other seats for women.
Do not tolerate ‘mansplaining’ or men talking over you. Whether you experience it or witness it you must call it out. Some men do this to belittle you and others just don’t seem to realise when they are doing it (!) so it is down to us to educate them and eradicate this patronising behaviour. You will find that some men don’t like it when you point this negative behaviour out to them and they may accuse you of being over sensitive or having an attitude. Tell them in no uncertain terms them that strong women don’t have attitudes, they have boundaries and standards. That it is not a case of you being over sensitive it’s a case of him being insensitive.
Remember that no one is above making tea/coffee or taking notes in meetings. This is not a job that must always, by default, fall to a woman.
Aim to be independent, both financially and professionally. When it comes to finding a partner, a good one will support your desire for independence not criticise it or feel threatened by it.
Overall when it comes to your career, remember you are capable of greatness and success is within your reach if you put your mind to it.
Tips for life
Life’s about how you play a bad hand of cards. Things don’t always go to plan and when that happens know that there are always solutions. We can learn from mistakes and we can change our plans and often doing so makes us feel stronger and more in control.
When your plans are not working out the way you want them to take a step back - a good general knows when to retreat, re-group and re-attack! Don’t give up, just jiggle some new ideas around and give it another go. Tell yourself ‘you got this’!
Throughout your life you will experience highs and lows. You’ll feel joy and sadness, fear and happiness, anger and excitement and many more emotions. You have to roll with it, the good and the bad. We need to taste the sour to really appreciate the sweet.
One of the tough things you will face in life is rejection. We all get rejected in big and small ways throughout our lives and it is a horrid thing to face, especially when we give so much of ourselves to something or someone. When you experience rejection tell yourself this happens all the time to tons of people and its not about you its about the person doing the rejecting. When you meet obstacles and knock backs you gotta pick yourself up, be resilient and persevere! Don’t let it grind you down.
There’s a Latin phrase Noli timere meaning ‘Don’t be afraid’. To be fearless in your approach to life is important as too many women shrink themselves for fear of being ‘too much’, too loud, too demanding, too emotional and its all rubbish! Boys are taught from an early age to take risks, climb to the top of the monkey bars and jump off, whereas most girls are taught to avoid risk and failure and to play safe. You have to change this and start taking risks as that is where adventure, success and most importantly fun lies.
Women can be made to feel inferior by men or sadly other women who possess more power than them. You must not assume that everyone in the room is cleverer or more capable than you are as this is often not the case.
Understand what your values are and anchor your life by making sure everything flows from those values. Ask yourself does your commitment of energy, time, and resources follow what you say you value?
There is tremendous pressure on women surrounding our bodies and our looks. If you ever have concerns about your body image ask yourself why you are worried about this? How did these concerns come about? If it was due to looking at photos on social media, remember these 4 important things:
1. There is no one single body type, we are all different and everyone sees bodies differently too.
2. Try not to compare yourself with images you see online. They are almost always enhanced digitally and rarely reflect how the person looks in real life.
3. If you feel bad about yourself, think about the advice and kindness you would provide to a friend feeling the same. Give yourself the same love and respect.
4. Know that you are perfect, just the way you are. Your face doesn’t need a filter!
Speak out for what you believe in because integrity helps you sleep at night whereas regret will only keep you up. Be radical! You don’t need to fit into anyones pre-determined boxes. Remind yourself and your friends of that fact when they are struggling.
Finally, don’t forget to speak up about what you want in life. No one ever realised their dreams by sitting back and always letting others lead the way.
Now go get ‘em girls!
